New Normal: a quick write

This was written quickly and sloppily. But I kind of love the ideas so I thought I’d share:

What I want the new normal to look like:

Petting lots of dogs. Okay. All the dogs. In Ireland we can’t let people’s animals because it can spread COVID. I want a world where we can pet animals again. Where we can hug old people. Where we can smile at people with our mouths in a shop. I want a word where we all get together on the weekends and make a community garden and a donation center and we have a big Potluck party after. Where our neighbors know our names and leave us little notes saying, “have a good day!”I’d like a free library book exchange center on my road. I love those things. I’d like a clothing swap box to get and give clothes when I’m tired of mine. I’d like monthly swap meets where we take our things we don’t want and trade them for a food processor that someone bought but never uses. I want a sense of community. I want old people to not feel excluded from society because of fear of illness. My mom lived in fear of dying from kidney failure. She died of something else entirely. Let the living just live.

What do YOU want the “new normal” to look like?

Do what you love….

I love waking up in the in-between time when its a bit chilly and the light is blue. I like napping in sunlight. I like when dogs press their noses on your leg and inhale deeply and how they have to circle around a bunch if times before they plop down. I love the simplicity of tomato sandwiches, especially in the summer when the tomatoes are fresh and ripe and warm from the sun. I love laughing with a friend at a play and seeing their eyes crinkled with delight. I love being enraptured by musicians or actors who can completely transform the atmosphere of a moment simply by arranging their bodies and mouths in a certain way. I love climbing up high and sensing a shift in my perspective. I love reading something which puts into words exactly how I’ve felt when I didn’t know how I was feeling. I love drinking tea, especially with a friend when they show you their collection and let you smell the different kinds and pick whichever suits your personality that moment. I love cuddling on a couch with a glass of wine and a movie and freshly popped cinnamon popcorn. I love magical, mystical things like crystals and astrology and knowing that God has placed His power into these things for a reason and has allowed us to delve deeper if we do choose. I love napping in parks when I travel. I love tourists who ask me the best places to eat in my town. I love well-made food. I love doing dishes. I love dancing in the kitchen. I love buying houseplants. I love walking and talking under the stars. I love burying my hands in the soft fur of sleeping cats. I love quick wit. I love ideas and curiosity and brainstorming. I love playing games with friends after dinner. I love Christmas lights. I love clean kitchens. I love soft blankets. I love sitting in a warm glow and having deep discussions and realizations. I love hiking. I love accomplishing things and having new adventures. I love random drives. I love when someone grabs my hand and holds onto it for awhile. I love tenderness. I love aesthetically pleasing and poetic and sensual things. I love sculpture. I love anatomy. I love the arches of feet and the curves of spines. I love the warmth and heaviness of heads. I love the vulnerability of bare arms and naked feet. I love the adorable sleepy faces of clients when they turn over on my table and sigh, contentedly. I love bird sounds. I love nature documentaries. I love beautiful handwriting. I love reconnecting. I love hearing Gods voice in the stillness. I love stretching my body in yoga. I love eating cereal. I love eating. Hardboiled eggs, warm chicken, tender steak, creamy salmon, soothing soups…. I love making people feel safe and knowing they trust me. I love encouraging and being encouraged. I love handwritten letters. I love untangling people’s muscles and making their bodies symmetrical. I love swaying to music in a calm and peaceful room. I love the orderliness and thoroughness of a long massage. I love stillness. 

What do you love? Are you doing it? Are you making room for it? 

Sometimes the struggle is real

I feel like I ought to tell you. I feel like you ought to know. Because maybe you don’t know. The struggle is real for me some days. 

Some days I spend almost the entire day in bed with only a few brief escapades to the kitchen to eat. And then I take a nap because I literally feel like nothing I’m doing matters and I’m so overwhelmed by responsibilities that I want them all to just disappear for awhile. 

Most days I beat myself up relentlessly for putting syrup on my waffle when I KNOW I shouldn’t eat sugar and I think WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! When with anyone else I would be encouraging and comforting. 

Some days I just want to melt into my sheets and stop existing. 

A lot of times I feel lonely. Like, deep loneliness that come right back as soon as I finish hanging out with my close friends. 
Most days I feel like a small child waiting for the adult to come back into the room and come take care of me. Who decided I was big enough to handle all these decisions? Yes, I can dress myself and feed myself and brush my teeth, but can I pay taxes? And some days my clothes are too eccentric, I eat the wrong things, and don’t even have money to go to the dentist. 

A lot of days I feel like I’m being held under water and I’m waiting to be let back up to breathe. Some days I want to crawl under my carpet and become one with the floor. 

Being a massage therapist who works from home can feel lonely. I only work for 4 hours max in a day and then the people leave and I’m alone, again. 

This leads to me not only feeling lonely but also feeling lazy. All that downtime. As a workaholic I feel like I should be doing more with my life. So I fill every waking hour with relentless busywork. And then I think, what if none of it matters? 

A lot of days I feel light and bubbly and happy to be alive. 

But, other days everything feels like it’s crashing around me and it’s like I just dropped all the fancy China places because I was trying to be helpful but I didn’t know what I was doing and I’m going to be in so much trouble when the people who are supposed to be in charge get back. 

I’ve decided to be brave and share more of that side of myself online. 

I want to talk more about my depression, my chronic fatigue, my eating disorder, and my poverty. So that others who deal with real life can find solace in knowing that they aren’t alone. 

The struggle really is real. And you aren’t the only one. 

Wordy Wednesday: Thank you for 6 years of massage

Hello! So much can happen in the course of a week, and even more in a month, and too much in a year. Day by day it feels like not much is changing but then you look back and you are amazed by how much you’ve been through and how much you’ve accomplished. 
This is my 6th year of doing massage. It’s so crazy to think that I’ve had my own business and run it successfully for this long. One day at a time, one amazing and encouraging client at a time. 
I want to say thank you for being part of my adventure. 

I literally would NOT still be doing this without you. Even if you think you’ve only played a small part in my venture, that small part has meant SO MUCH. Every little bit of feedback has made me better at what I do. Every time you got on my table and were willing to be vulnerable with me has helped me grow as a person. 
So, I just wanted to say thank you. 

I never knew I would be in this field and I never knew how much it would feel so naturally a part of my identity. I love helping people feel valued. I love helping you feel like your body is a temple and that your self-care is the most wise investment you could ever make. 
You’re amazing. 

Thank you for making PlanetJoy an actual thing. A happy thing. A place where we can thrive together. And thank you for all the people you’ve shared my information with. Thank you for recommending me again and again. Even when those people haven’t actually scheduled, it has meant so much to hear that you’ve passed my name along to them. What a beautiful feeling to know that you love my work so much and you’ve felt so wonderful on my table that you wanted to share that experience with another person. 
Sending you so much love 💕

Joy 

Wordy Wednesday: A Journey

Poem I wrote in November 2008

With eyes shining
You inform me that you are becoming a boat
–please leave a message at the beep–
The bomb shelter has flooded
And we’ve decided to paint our lips with
Strawberries
Your skin is a language I find trembling
(My tongue stutters in my mouth)
You are my thanksgiving in 8 words-
A treasure beneath the window pane-
A cracking
Becoming an oasis in the desert of
Desire
The water in my solar system
The touch of heat and the the spark of
Fire in the magnifying mirror
With burning leaves and
Thunder
Direct sunlight and the moon
It’s winter and I love you.

Stability and Safety

My yoga teacher, Melissa West, was discussing how stability and safety allow your heart to open. Isn’t that beautiful?!

Safety is trusting. Knowing you’ll be held and accepted every time. Respecting boundaries. Communication. Warmth. Strength. Holding hands. Being there. Texting just to say “I love you”. Listening. Drawing near. Sleeping softly. Closeness. Holding space. Understanding and not judging. Love.

Safety feels unbreakable, calm, soothing, peaceful, comfortable, controlled, cradled, hushed, being quieted, real, clear, unambiguous, protected, undamaged.…

Safety comes from never-tiring love, long-term reliability, confirmation, certainty, trustworthiness, reassurance, honored words, &being cared for.

Stability is balance. Strength. Knowing who you are. Stretching up and out. Trusting the ground. Having a foundation. Being unshakable. Being shaken but not falling down. (Strength is falling down and getting back up) Solidness. Ability to be pushed without leaving or going away. Resilience. Remaining self-assured. Being your own person. Not melting into another person or into a puddle. Being proactive instead of passive. Having boundaries. Being sure. Feeling certain.

Stability feels sturdy, steady, poised, confident, resolute, durable, well-founded, grounded, rooted, anchored, unafraid, plucky….

Stability comes from self-control, persistence, loyalty, endurance, being single-minded, undiscouraged, well-established, having conviction, having a lion-heart, & being determined.

What makes you feel stable and safe?

Vulnerability is scary, let’s just try Approachability

People are afraid of being vulnerable. And for good reason! Being vulnerable by definition means making yourself open to attack. All your defenses are down. You could be destroyed.

And yet. We can’t stay impenetrable all the time. If we wear 800 layers including rubber gloves and three face masks there’s no way we can touch each other or be touched. Not to mention all those tall walls we’ve built around ourselves….

Let’s shift instead to the idea of becoming approachable. That sounds safer, right? If someone approaches us in a quiet manner, that is okay. If they speak to us gently, that might be okay. We might even be able to connect. We might be able to be honest. We might slowly open our hearts. We might become transparent and unrestrained.

And eventually, we might be able to hold each other and speak heart-to-heart.

Instead of being vulnerable, let’s start with allowing ourselves to become approachable.

Wordy Wednesday: Tu Me Manques

What terrified me the most was the way you started breaking promises as easily as throwing breadcrumbs to birds–tossed off, discarded crumbs of gluten that wouldn’t matter to a girl Iike me who has to spit out cold pizza when I forget AGAIN that I’m allergic. 

Old habits die hard. 

After 9 years of dependability you started small: 

“I’ll be there at 11.”

“I’ll call you later.”

“I’ll talk to you soon.”

This final promise a nail in the coffin of a friendship which may or may not still breathe. We forgot to check. Perhaps it’s a vampire and it will revive if we open the casket in a few months?

But, maybe it really was fragile and human all along. 

All humans have an expiration date. Like milk. 

I keep remembering your arms. I thought I had you memorized but still you’re fading away. I remember how fiercely you held me and lifted me into the air– your embrace a thing I could call into.

I remember trying to forget you in Italy. Rumpled white sheets, Gotye on the television. 
My boyfriend attempted to build a fort around me.

I remember Tom kissing my hand in the theater, lifting me into the air for Listerine kisses–his towering frame filling the doorway.
I have always sought out the safety of height.

But I always came back to you. You were my home. Not just an island in my ocean. A place where I could go when rains fell. 

My gutter. 

But, you don’t define me. Lack of you does not make me less whole. I thought you were my missing rib.I thought strings attached our hearts and that cutting those strings would leave me gaping open, bleeding internally.

But I’m still me. I’m still warm, my skin is still a healthy color. Curly-haired, blue-eyed, left-handed artist. Christian pagan, 5’2″, vibrant dancer, massage maven, world traveler, writer, yogi, cat woman. 

You wanted me to be Harley in love with a madman who never loved her back. But as I write I remember who I am. I remember how I feel. I remember what I’ve lost and what I’ve kept. I realize I don’t need to be afraid. 

In the morning I wake up sweating. Overnight the seasons have changed. 
&I am a little blast furnace. A little engine who can.

-written by Joy Boardman, March 10, 2016

Massage Question: Why should I drink more water after a massage?

“Why do massage therapists always tell me to drink water after a massage? And what are these “toxins” they mention?”

Massage stimulates the lymphatic system. The lymphatic system is like the garbage pail of the circulatory system. It filters all the waste products out of your body.

(Which is why when you are sick, your lymph nodes swell because they are handling a lot of junk all at once)

Your lymph system doesn’t have a pump like the circulatory system but the body naturally filters a certain amount through the lymphatic system throughout the course of the day when you walk around and move. BUT during a one hour massage, your body filters that ENTIRE amount that it normally would during a WHOLE DAY! Isn’t that cool??

So, you want to flush that stuff out, otherwise it’s like holding in your pee….the stuff that should be out, stays in and can cause muscle soreness or headaches.

This is also why:
*You may have to get up to pee during a massage or pee right after

*And why you should ALWAYS drink water every day to keep your lymphatic system happy and flushed.

Savanna’s Testimonial: Pregnancy Massage on PlanetJoy

Savanna has been coming to me for a couple of years now and she’s due July 31st. Before she got crazy busy with her new baby, I wanted to ask her some questions about her experience with pregnancy massage.

As soon as Savanna told me she’d found out that she was pregnant, back in February, I decided to take a prenatal and postpartum massage course. The class was a wonderful experience (I got to work on a woman the day before she was induced!)

Together, Savanna and I have had a lot of fun practicing and perfecting the most amazing pregnancy massage experience.

—————————————-
Name: Savanna

Age: 27

Did you have any objections or skepticism about pregnancy massage?

I actually was a little bit skeptical.

While I am a big fan of massage, I was skeptical about whether or not I could still enjoy it if I couldn’t lay on my back or stomach.

I wasn’t sure exactly how it would work or if I would just have to lay on my side the whole time.

Mainly I think I just didn’t know exactly what to expect so I was skeptical about whether or not it would be as comfortable or relaxing as a regular massage.

What were some of your concerns or worries?

I was mainly worried or concerned at the beginning about whether or not it was completely safe for the baby.

I had read some mixed reviews online about the safety especially for the first trimester.

I had also read that sometimes massage made morning sickness worse.

(*Special note: the reason massage can have a bad rep for first trimester is that the first trimester is a very sensitive time and many women do not end up carrying to term. When something happens and the pregnancy is terminated, the massage is not a direct cause, but all the pain from losing the baby can often lead women to search for a cause. Because of this it’s important to work lightly and check in a LOT with the woman to make sure she feels comfortable, healthy, and safe.

Also, in the case of losing a baby, massage is excellent for mental health and emotional healing.)

What were you hoping would happen?

I was hoping that my skepticism and/or worries would be for no reason and that I would enjoy pregnancy massage as much if not more than regular massage.

Why did you choose to come to me (instead of someone else)? What made you trust me?

I had already had good experiences with your massages so that helped.

Also I know that you are always reading and researching so I knew that you would be well versed in what was safe and unsafe for both me and the baby.

Plus knowing that you went to the effort to take the pre-natal class was reassuring as well.

But even without the prenatal class I was confident that you would do your homework and look into what was and wasn’t safe for pregnancy so that was reassuring.

What can other people expect? Juicy details, please! What were some highlights of the experience?

Pregnancy massage is obviously somewhat different than a regular massage, but it is also the same in many ways.

With the physical changes that pregnancy brings come a lot of aches and pains, and you need a relaxing massage more than ever.

Despite what I originally had thought, the massages can be just as relaxing as a regular massage, they are just a little different.

The “cloud” was also very nice. (*A special combination concoction of pillows to prop you up so you can have your head, neck, arms, and feet worked on. Feels like floating on a cloud….) 

Because I was propped up on pillows I rarely felt nauseous or lightheaded.

When I did I always was able to be adjusted in a way that alleviated that feeling.

It was also helpful that you were very open minded and always willing to make little adjustments as we went to make sure that I was always comfortable.

What concerns or worries were taken care of?

I was reassured after talking to one of our midwives who actually said not only is it safe but that they recommend massage and/or chiropractic care.

I was also reassured that you took the prenatal massage class so I was very confident that you would know what was and was not recommended during pregnancy.

I also appreciated that you were open to trying different things and I always felt comfortable letting you know if we needed to adjust my position, if I needed another pillow, etc.

What was different about this experience compared to regular massages?

The most obvious is that you can’t lay on your stomach or your back.  Other than that the experience as surprisingly similar.

The added stretches and the tummy massage is an extra perk.

What pleasantly surprised you?

I was surprised that despite having a different position for the massage it was really just as relaxing as a regular massage.

What was most satisfying about the experience?

Massages were great in helping relieve the aches and pains of pregnancy, as well as relieving the tension from stress and anxiety that comes with pregnancy.

It was nice to take an hour a month (or sometimes a couple of hours a month) to relax.

—————————————-
(*Savanna, it’s been an honor working on you throughout your pregnancy. Because I’ve worked on you every month it’s been so cool to watch your baby grow.
Thank you for being patient while I figured everything out. I know you said it felt good even the first few times when I was a little unsteady with all the techniques.
I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you better. AND it was SO COOL to be one of the very FIRST people to hear about your pregnancy!! (Even before your parents, wow.)
I can’t wait to meet your little baby and get to know her :) 

Wordy Wednesday Writing Exercise: Tandem

Driving around in your beat up cadillac you play my favorite songs and reach over to brush some hair out of my face. Ever since I got my hair cut shorter, curls stick out in weird directions like television antennae. At least I’m getting good reception. 

Last night you took me out for lobster on your tandem bike. My feet kept slipping off the pedals….at one point I think I was even trying to drive us backwards. But, you kept your head up, guiding us safely, as always. 

We stopped at the top of the mountain and breathed in new perspective. I said, “Look how my glasses change color when I tilt my head. Are they rose colored or is this my blue period? Are we half full or half empty?”

(I was resisting the urge to throw myself off the edge of the scenic overlook.)

I’m tired of pedaling uphill all the time. Even with you in the lead, it’s hard work. 

I’m learning to ask you for things. I gave you my hand to pull me back from the edge. “I can hear snakes in the grass and I think it’s time to leave.”

Untitled Writer Prompt- Three Days Long

3 days long.
I’ve been holding my breath down here.
Avoiding the stench of these unsifted emotions that we just step over all the time like mounds of moldy wreckage in a hoarders house. Frightening and violent. We’ve been in denial for so long that I don’t even know what is real anymore.

I drag these piles with me everywhere I go. Last night I Googled: “when is it okay to let go?” And Google wasn’t feeling lucky so it turned up some file on cliff diving without a parachute. I think I will try to find away to apply my research.

Step one:
Get a running start.

Step two:
Don’t stop until you hit the bottom.

Step three and four:
Collect yourself again, and begin to walk in unknown territory, exposed, alone. You didn’t expect to survive so you’ve brought nothing with you. Become wild.

I think three days is too long to live without hearing your voice. I hum to myself as I walk along and my voice bounces off the canyon walls, keeping me company. I have learned how to survive a fall and when I make it home to you, I will no longer be afraid.

We will begin by gently touching each other’s mouths with rocks I found by the river. You’ll whisper that you never felt like you belonged here. I will smile with my crazy eyes and you’ll understand that I never felt safe anywhere until I was left to die.

-Joy Boardman, March 23, 2015

Joy Boardman

Massage Therapist and Collage Art Therapist

Planet Joy: Otherworldly Massages for Women, Planet-Friendly Collages for Everyone

Find me here:

[PlanetJoy’s Blog]

[PlanetJoy on Facebook]

[PlanetJoy on Pinterest]

Devotion: My Commitment to Myself and to the World

DEVOTION: My commitment to myself — and the world — for 2015.

My name is Joy.

Starting today, I am devoting myself to the following projects:

–Being completely debt free.

–Being generous.

–Reaching out and being vulnerable.

I am devoting myself to these projects because I care about other people and feel that we are not meant to live life alone.

These projects deserve my full focus, attention, discipline and love.

Starting today, I am releasing the following from my life:

–Scarcity thinking.

–Pretending that I don’t have enough.

–Poor time management.

I am releasing these things because I need to create time & energy for giving to others.

These things no longer have a place in my life.

I believe that the world needs more kindness and generosity and that’s what I am here to create.

I may not be able to give millions to every charity, but I can do my part to help.

The very next step is to pay for people behind me.

And then after that, to actively seek out people to help.

When things feel overwhelming, I will remind myself that my job is simply to: spread love and kindness.

I have the power to leave the world, and the people around me, in better condition than I found them.

I don’t have to “reach” for that power. I have it, right now.

Anybody can serve.

I am devoted.

I am focused.

I am ready.

I know what I am here to do.

I am officially signing this agreement — with myself — on Feb 25th, 2014

Joy Boardman

Every word is true.

How I Plan to Make 2015 the Best Year of My Life.

1. One habit I’m going to build.

I am going to continue eating healthy foods–3x a day. Nothing with ingredients I can’t pronounce. Less sugar, dairy, and bread.

2. One bad habit I’m going to break.

Wasting time online.

3. One person I’m going to forgive.

Myself.

4. One person I’m going to befriend or reconnect with.

Vanessa, my aunt Terri, and LeeAnn

5. One person I’m going to spend more time with.

Anne, Laura, Ros

6. One way I’m going to strengthen my personal relationship.

More honesty about wants and feelings.

7. One thing I’m going to create.

Financial security.

8. One negative belief I’m going to drop.

That being debt-free should make me feel guilty.

9. One positive belief I’m going to reinforce.

When you take care of your body, it will take care of you.

10. One unhealthy food I’m going to stop eating.

Anything with unpronouncable ingredients.

11. One healthy food I’m going to start eating.

Nuts.

12. One book I’m going to read.

Memoirs of a Geisha.

13. One place I’m going to visit.

Colorado for my cousins graduation.

14. One adventure I’m going to go on.

Mini-vacation in a b&b when I am out of debt.

15. One hobby I’m going to try.

Making lavender sachets.

16. One personal development goal I’m going to achieve.

Being more generous.

17. One fitness goal I’m going to achieve.

Working out every day, again.

18. One new food I’m going to try.

Overnight oats & cricket flour.

19. One fear I’m going to overcome.

Fear of totally unknown territory: debt-free living and total responsibility.

20. One risk I’m going to take.

Becoming more vulnerable.

21. One thing I’m going to throw out.

Stuff in the hallway.

22. One thing I’m going to save for and purchase.

My 6-month sabbatical for 2016.

23. One way I’m going to make more money.

Collage parties and retreat in the fall/winter.

24. One expense I’m cutting out.

Coffee.

25. One way I’m going to stop wasting time.

Using my time wisely. Only 25 minutes on each phone task (2x) and then no more screen time.

26. One skill I’m going to learn.

How to spend money wisely, again.

27. One class I’m going to take or workshop I’m going to attend.

Prenatal massage class

28. One way I’m going to make myself indispensable at work.

Pregnancy massage!

29. One thing I will no longer tolerate.

My grandmother treating my mom poorly.

30. One way I’m going to keep my energy high.

Eat at appropriate times. Rest when I need to.

31. One way I’m going to relax and de-stress.

Naps. Looking out the window and watching the birds. Yoga.

32. One way I’m going to get better sleep.

Reading before bed.

33. One way I’m going to have more fun.

More game nights.

34. One small way in which I’m going to make the world a better place.

#projectwarmheart

35. One bucket list item I’m crossing off.

Clearing up acne scars.

36. One way I’m going to follow my bliss.

Remembering to reach out. We are not meant to live life alone.

Also: learning acceptance.

You, too, can use these questions to make a plan for yourself & make 2015 the best year of YOUR life!

Thank you for reading!

If you haven’t filled out my survey yet, and you’d like to tell me about yourself, please go here:

https://artisticdrama.polldaddy.com/s/i-want-to-get-to-know-you

True Story: I Have Apeirophobia (the fear of infinity)

Apeirophobia is also known as:

⊙The fear of infinity

⊙Infinity phobia

⊙The fear of space going on forever

⊙The fear of things that never end

“Infinity is a floorless room without walls or ceiling.”

Symptoms:

Shortness of breath or smothering sensation

Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate

Feeling unsteady, dizzy, lightheaded, or faint

“Eternity is said not to be an extension of time but an absence of time, and sometimes it seemed to me that her abandonment touched that strange mathematical point of endlessness, a point with no width, occupying no space.”
-Graham Greene

Ever since I was little, I’ve had panic attacks whenever I thought about the fact that when we die (no matter what your beliefs are) the ending is perpetual.

People from church used to try to reassure me by reminding me how wonderful heaven will be, but that’s not the point. The point is that your life never actually ENDS.

I’m not even that afraid of dying because you die and then that part is over.

If I go to heaven, I’ll be in a beautiful place with God and people I love….FOREVER.
If nothing happens, nothing happens…..FOREVER.

There’s no getting out of it. It’s inevitable and it’s forever. And ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever…..

The most helpful thing for me has been to bring myself back to the present moment and consider it like a journey.

When you plan for a journey, you have all these preconceived notions but once you are actually there it is so very different from what you expected and you just put one foot in front of the other.

“”I mean, d’you know what eternity is? There’s this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the universe, and once every thousand years there’s this little bird-”

“What little bird?” said Aziraphale suspiciously.

“This little bird I’m talking about. And every thousand years-”

“The same bird every thousand years?”

Crowley hesitated. “Yeah,” he said.

“Bloody ancient bird, then.”

“Okay. And every thousand years this bird flies-”

“-limps-”

“-flies all the way to this mountain and sharpens its beak-”

“Hold on. You can’t do that. Between here and the end of the universe there’s loads of-” The angel waved a hand expansively, if a little unsteadily. “Loads of buggerall, dear boy.”

“But it gets there anyway,” Crowley persevered.

“How?”

“It doesn’t matter!”

“It could use a space ship,” said the angel.

Crowley subsided a bit. “Yeah,” he said. “If you like. Anyway, this bird-”

“Only it is the end of the universe we’re talking about,” said Aziraphale. “So it’d have to be one of those space ships where your descendants are the ones who get out at the other end. You have to tell your descendants, you say, When you get to the Mountain, you’ve got to-” He hesitated. “What have
they got to do?”

“Sharpen its beak on the mountain,” said Crowley. “And then it flies back-”

“-in the space ship-”

“And after a thousand years it goes and does it all again,” said Crowley quickly.

There was a moment of drunken silence.

“Seems a lot of effort just to sharpen a beak,” mused Aziraphale.

“Listen,” said Crowley urgently, “the point is that when the bird has worn the mountain down to nothing, right, then-”

Aziraphale opened his mouth. Crowley just knew he was going to make some point about the relative hardness of birds’ beaks and granite mountains, and plunged on quickly.

“-then you still won’t have finished watching The Sound of Music.”

Aziraphale froze.

“And you’ll enjoy it,” Crowley said relentlessly. “You really will.”

“My dear boy-”

“You won’t have a choice.”

“Listen-”

“Heaven has no taste.”

“Now-”

“And not one single sushi restaurant.”

A look of pain crossed the angel’s suddenly very serious face.”

-from Good Omens by Neil Gaiman