I feel like I ought to tell you. I feel like you ought to know. Because maybe you don’t know. The struggle is real for me some days.
Some days I spend almost the entire day in bed with only a few brief escapades to the kitchen to eat. And then I take a nap because I literally feel like nothing I’m doing matters and I’m so overwhelmed by responsibilities that I want them all to just disappear for awhile.
Most days I beat myself up relentlessly for putting syrup on my waffle when I KNOW I shouldn’t eat sugar and I think WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! When with anyone else I would be encouraging and comforting.
Some days I just want to melt into my sheets and stop existing.
A lot of times I feel lonely. Like, deep loneliness that come right back as soon as I finish hanging out with my close friends.
Most days I feel like a small child waiting for the adult to come back into the room and come take care of me. Who decided I was big enough to handle all these decisions? Yes, I can dress myself and feed myself and brush my teeth, but can I pay taxes? And some days my clothes are too eccentric, I eat the wrong things, and don’t even have money to go to the dentist.
A lot of days I feel like I’m being held under water and I’m waiting to be let back up to breathe. Some days I want to crawl under my carpet and become one with the floor.
Being a massage therapist who works from home can feel lonely. I only work for 4 hours max in a day and then the people leave and I’m alone, again.
This leads to me not only feeling lonely but also feeling lazy. All that downtime. As a workaholic I feel like I should be doing more with my life. So I fill every waking hour with relentless busywork. And then I think, what if none of it matters?
A lot of days I feel light and bubbly and happy to be alive.
But, other days everything feels like it’s crashing around me and it’s like I just dropped all the fancy China places because I was trying to be helpful but I didn’t know what I was doing and I’m going to be in so much trouble when the people who are supposed to be in charge get back.
I’ve decided to be brave and share more of that side of myself online.
I want to talk more about my depression, my chronic fatigue, my eating disorder, and my poverty. So that others who deal with real life can find solace in knowing that they aren’t alone.
The struggle really is real. And you aren’t the only one.