“I think technically legally if a woman does not say ‘no’ then she’s given her consent and can’t build a case.”
I looked down at the table. I was sitting at the kitchen table with my friend and his two brothers. We were having a logical, rational discussion about rape. I was already very triggered being the only woman there. I gathered my thoughts and. then I demurely pointed them all in the direction of the Tea video which points out many different times consent has NOT been given even if a person has said, “No thank you. I don’t want any tea right now.”
The irony of saying nothing directly in defense of myself or womankind in that moment is not lost on me. Because I myself have been the one who has not said no and yet has not given consent on MULTIPLE occasions.
Any time you feel violated, I’d like to posit that you have indeed BEEN violated. This is also one of the most shame inducing kind of violations because you’ve done nothing to stop it therefore:
Perhaps you wanted it?
Perhaps you were too weak to stop it?
Perhaps you should have known better?
Perhaps it really is your fault after all?
I’d like to say, “NO” in response to those self-condemning thoughts.
I’d like to say that if it made you feel bad and you were little and you didn’t understand what was happening but it made you feel sick and cry then your feeling violated was valid.
If, in fact you have felt shame in any circumstance I’d like to posit that some form of violation has occurred.
If it felt wrong and you cried after then you might have given your power away or your power might have been taken from you.
If it happened because you thought you wanted it and then halfway through the beginning part you changed your mind but you didn’t speak up and felt like your sense of self control was taken from you– a violation has occurred.
If it went so fast and hurt and you knew you didn’t want it but again you said nothing and made yourself try to enjoy it because you felt like it was too late to go back and stop it– a violation has occurred.
If you put yourself in a situation and drank too much because you were feeling comfortable and safe with a friend and then you drank too much and were unable to move and could only feel what was happening to you and they had a good time and they were a friend of yours so you felt totally awkward and couldn’t shake the violated feeling afterwards– YOI WERE VIOLATED.
This is written to validate your experience. No, you didn’t stand up for yourself and say no. I’m sorry. For myself and others who this has happened to. I’m so sorry. You put yourself in a situation where you gave away your power or where your power was taken from you. That happened.
Now, know that you are powerful. You were created full of power. Take that power back. Breathe it back into your body.
Healing exercise to take your power back
First you must exhale and release. You must imagine each of those people being expelled from your body. Put your hand on your heart. Exhale and visualize each person leaving your body. Feel where there are blockages in your body. Where they still have a grip on your soul. Breathe them out. Forgive. Not for them. For you.
This process will take many minutes. You’ll probably cry. Multiple times. Allow your body to release. Keep forgiving and releasing.
When you finally feel them fully leave and your body unblock, focus on the inbreath. Breathe your power back into your body. Take your power back.
Place your hands on your pelvis and remind your body that you are safe and that you are pure and that your body is beautiful and it is yours and your power and your sexuality are pure and beautiful and you are safe. Remind yourself over and over, breathing in. Repeat the words until they start to feel real. Cry more if you need to.
Feel the heat emanating from your heart space and your pelvis, your sacral chakra. This heat is your energy, your personal power. You choose in the future who to give it to. You choose. From now on your body is precious and pure and powerful. You will no longer refuse to stand up for yourself. You will instead validate your existence.
You will choose.
(The irony of Louis CK is not lost on me. The quote however is very powerful.)